PYHO: Since you’ve been gone

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Lately, I have been thinking about my Grandmother.

How she looked, smelled, her mannerisms, her laugh. What she would be like today. How she would react to my children.

I lost my grandmother when I was 14. She was the light of my life, and I, hers. I was her first grandchild and she took me everywhere. She was the “fun” grandma; cooking the sunday dinners, letting all of the cousins sleep over in her living room almost every weekend and letting us have all of our birthday parties either in her house or in the backyard. She was the world to me.

It hurts to remember that she’s gone, so I don’t do it often. But when I do, it feels like she’s there with me. Like she’s right over my shoulder watching how my family grows, and wondering if I’ll make it to 6 kids like she did.

Mostly I wonder if she would have been proud of what I’m doing with my life. Would she support the fact that I’m home raising my kids, or would she insist that I at least get a part time job? Would she encourage me to start my own business like she did once my kids are school age? And would she divulge her fried chicken recipe to me or just make me guess it until I get it right?

When I do feel her over my shoulder, I hear her saying “Don’t give up. You’re doing a great job. Keep laughing, because you do it so well. I AM proud of you.” The tears well up, and I hope that it’s not just my subconscious creating the phrases, that it is her speaking to me.

All and all, I just miss her laugh. I’m sad that my Husband and children won’t ever get to hear and have it warm their hearts like it did mine. I guess I’ll just have to laugh loud and long in her place.

Miss you, Grandma….

About Amiyrah

My name is Amiyrah and I'm an an African American fashion & lifestyle blogger based in Ohio.

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  1. 8.2.11

    Aw, I’m with you! I’m the same way. I lost mine 7 years ago. My other one died when I was 5 or 6, so my memories of her are few and far between because I was so young. But my other grandmother I was always with. When I moved into the house my parents still live in now, I was about 6, and my grandparents lived right behind us. So I was always close to them. I remember hanging with my Grammy, watching her cook, we’d play uno and Rummikub all the time. I sure do miss mine too. and now I’m crying 🙁 It’s always good to remember them and I’m sure yours is standing by your side watching over you and your family. You may think she hasn’t met your family, but she has 🙂

  2. 8.2.11
    Precious said:

    I am sure that she is your angel watching over all of you.

  3. 8.2.11
    Nicole said:

    This post made me tear up as I just lost both my grandma and my mom last year. They were my world and I theirs. I know they’re watching me like your grandma is watching you. 🙂

  4. 8.2.11

    Thank you for the comment on my blog, I probably should have joined twitter sooner! I am so sorry about your grandma, and you are so lucky to have the memories you had with her. My maternal grandma died a couple months before I was born, and my paternal grandma has had really bad dementia and alzeheimers since before I was born, so I never had much of a relationship with either. Thank you for visiting my blog!

    That’s So Fletch
    xo, Jay

  5. 8.3.11
    Di said:

    My grandmother has lived in Poland my whole life so I’ve only seen her a few times. I wish I was able to have a relationship with her like you did with your grandmother!

  6. 8.3.11
    Shell said:

    She sounds like she was an amazing and loving woman. I’m sure she would be proud of you.

  7. 8.3.11
    Anastasia said:

    I feel the same way about my grandfather. I wish my family could meet him.

  8. 8.4.11
    Peeper said:

    I love it that you can still feel her presence. I keep waiting to feel my mom and/or my grandma but so far, nothing. I miss them.