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Brother Hilliard has gone on to be with Jesus.
He was killed while serving in Afghanistan.
He was 33 years old.

This is the latest bereavement notice sent out to the members of my Church. As I add onto my to-do list prior to deployment, I decided to quickly check my e-mail, and this is what greets me. I immediately start to break down and cry.

This isn’t my first rodeo; I’ve been deployed before. The same dangers accompanied me then, as they will now: mortar attacks sent by Taliban sprinkling the base, putting our heads between our legs as our plane nose dives toward theater and hope that we don’t get shot out of the sky. I was ready for the challenge. I anticipated the worst and I was tougher for it. But, I’m not the girl I was before. This time, I have something of my own to lose, besides my life.

The girl that deployed last time was a single, gung ho, ready for the world woman. Old enough to enlist and vote but barely old enough to drink. A whipper snapper, as they say, and had no problem seeking adventure. She saw deployments as a chance to say “I’ve been there, done that” and welcomed them willingly. That girl is now a Wife. That girl is now a Mother of 2. And that girl is now a very scared woman. She’s been covering her fear with business as of late; planning meals for when she’s gone, buying the kids more winter clothes so they’ll have things to grow in while she’s away, preparing her husband for the extra jobs he’ll have to endure as a temporary single parent. Anything to get her mind off the fact that she’s going to the most dangerous part of the world, and will be dropped right in the middle of an ongoing war. She’s going from housewife to warrior, and she’s having a rough time adjusting to the upcoming change.

I’m frightened. Yes, I’ve said it. It doesn’t help that my military job is one of the most dangerous ones around, and that if the terrorists were smart, they’d wipe out my shop first. But, that’s not what’s keeping me up at night. That’s not what causes me to cry for hours after everyone enters a deep slumber. I’m frightened that I may not make it back. That my son may grow up reminiscing over faded memories of us together. That my daughter will only know me from pictures and videos, and not from hugs and kisses.That my Husband will have to deal with life without his true love.Frightened of leaving him with the burden of keeping memories of mom fresh in our kids’ minds for the rest of his life. I’m frightened that the bereavement notice above could be mine in just a few short months.

So, my mind is at a stand-still. The closer I get to leaving, the harder it is to keep positive. As I see parents prepare for the holidays, and making plans for Christmas, I fall deeper into my emotions. I know it’s my turn to go. It’s my turn to serve. My turn to have heart break during the holidays in the “sandbox.” I just want to know that I’ll be coming back. I just want to come back.

About Amiyrah

My name is Amiyrah and I'm an an African American fashion & lifestyle blogger based in Ohio.

Plan Your Year Now!


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  1. 11.15.11
    Kris said:

    We’re thinking of you Amiyrah, and so grateful for your service to your family and country, both.

  2. 11.15.11

    Sending strength and praying for you to get home safely.

  3. 11.15.11
    Eeek said:

    From a military or as we say in uk a forces partner we are thinking of you. ISAF do a great job.


  4. 11.15.11
    Alex M said:

    And here I am worrying about selling my house. You help put the real important issues in life out there. I think we’ll all be worrying for you. But it will also help that now you are more aware and more cautious — and a lot smarter than the young girl you once were!

  5. 11.15.11
    Kathy said:

    My heart goes out to you and you will be in my thoughts and prayers as well as your children and husband to keep you safe!!!

  6. 11.16.11
    belle007 said:

    Praying for your safe return and strength for you and your family.

  7. 11.16.11
    Lucky said:

    I can’t imagine what you must be going through. I’m thinking of you.

  8. 11.16.11
    Lori H. said:

    I’m one of your regular readers, but I post very infrequently. I want you to know that I will be thinking of you and I will be praying for you.

    Don’t be ashamed of your fear. It will keep you and your fellow soldiers alive when you’re over there. It doesn’t mean you’re any less brave or courageous, it just means that you’re smart enough to know the realities of the situation you’re facing. But put your trust in God and believe that you will make it back.

    Your words have touched me deeply. A real wake up call for those of us who take so much for granted. Thank you for your service, thank you for your sacrifice and thank you for your strength.

  9. 11.16.11
    Shell said:

    Sending you prayers of safety and comfort.

  10. 11.16.11
    RhondaG said:

    I think of you everyday. I worry about the separation you will feel. And, mostly I pray that you will return safely and whole to be with your family. Frankly, I will miss you and will continue to think of you everyday.

  11. 11.16.11
    Robbie K said:

    i found through Pour Your Heart Out. You’re honesty is amazing. I will be thinking of you and your family during your deployment and I thank you for your service.

  12. 11.17.11
    Anonymous said:

    Thank you, beautiful brave soldier!

  13. 11.17.11

    Praying! Bless you and your family and hurry back to us.

  14. 11.17.11
    Krissy T. said:

    Beautifully written and so honest. I’d like to thank you and your family for the service you do for this country. It is appreciated more than you know.

  15. 11.17.11

    THANK YOU!!!

  16. 11.17.11
    hmsclmom said:

    (((((HUGS)))) and lots of prayers coming your way for you and your family. As the mother of a son serving in the military and the sister of a Desert Storm vet I know the fear that family members have when their loved one is serving. I don’t know of one single deployed parent that does not feel the exact way you do…it just shows how much you love your family and they you. My heart aches for you as you have to leave your family behind to do your service. Be blessed, safe and SKYPE with your family every chance you get. That will help keep you sane while you are overseas.

  17. 11.17.11
    Anonymous said:

    Trust in the Lord with ALL your heart.You can make it,You can do it day by day with his help.Ask me how I know he has keep me .See I too was like you. He is a keeper
    of your mind.You have to put it and his hand and let go and let him be the father he is.

  18. 11.18.11
    Anonymous said:

    God Bless You real good . . . just pray.

  19. 11.18.11
    Erica said:

    Amiyrah, thank you and bless you for what you do for our country. I will be thinking of you and praying for you daily. XOXO

    I’m thinking of and praying for the solider who lost his life for my freedom.

  20. 11.18.11
    Kimberly said:

    Thank you for everything that you have done and everything you will do.

    I am sending you lot of love and support through this difficult time. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and heart. {{hugs}}

  21. 11.19.11
    allison said:

    I just stumble onto your site by chance and saw this post…

    I pray for you to get back safely…

  22. 11.21.11

    Thinking of you during the holidays, girlfriend! Sending hugs your way from Iowa~ THANK YOU for serving!!!!!

  23. 11.21.11
    CJ said:

    I dont know many people who have served in the current war(s), so your post really has made me see what they face when they are depolyed. You and your family will be in my prayers every day.

  24. 11.21.11
    Amiyrah said:

    Thanks to everyone for their kinds words. It was hard to write this post, but I know it needed to be done. Thanks for everyone who has my family and me in their prayers. Your support gives me the strength I didn’t know I had and I’ll keep your words in my heart while i’m away.

  25. 11.23.11
    Precious said:

    Hugs and love coming from me. I know that you are a very strong woman and you will make it home safely. I will be praying and thinking of you every day that you are away. Please keep in touch with all of us via your blog.

    Fear is healthy. It makes you be very aware which is a good thing when you are going off to war. Thanks for sharing how you feel with us and please don’t hesitate to tell us again anytime.

    In the meantime, enjoy your Thanksgiving with your precious family. They are very lucky to have such a loving mom!