My Biggest Struggle As A Wife (that I couldn’t control)

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My Biggest Struggle As A Wife (that I couldn't control)

This year, my husband and I will celebrate 14 years of marriage and 19 years together. Over these past years, I’ve learned so much about not only my partner, but myself. We experienced so many happy moments and milestones, but my biggest struggle as a wife has always been a constant. Today, I’d love to talk with you about it, and share how it may be something I can’t control.

Intimacy Issues

Have I said I love my husband? Well, I do. I really do. He’s my best friend, and my favorite person on the planet. He’s extremely attractive, and he finds me equally attractive. Within our very unique story we fell in love with each other before we even spent time together in the same room. But, that’s something we’ll talk about another time. 

With this attraction, love and admiration for each other, you’d think intimacy would be easy. On my husband’s end, without getting too graphic, intimacy is NEVER a problem. With me, it’s always been an issue. I desire him in my heart, but there has been a disconnect with my brain. I felt ashamed. I felt like I wasn’t doing my “wifely duties” correctly.

In small friend circles and wife groups, I was told to wear sexy clothing, and once I put myself in a place of romance, I’d get in the mood. That’s never worked for me, and I was sure this would result in my husband leaving me. For 14 years, I worried and fell deeper into my struggle as a wife. Even after creating and birthing 3 wonderful children, I worried. What was wrong with me? Why am I like this? If you’d ever felt this way, have you heard of HSDD?

What Is HSDD?

Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD) is the most common form of sexual dysfunction in women. Did you know that sexual dysfunction is something women experience? This isn’t a male-centered issue. The website Right To Desire talks about what HSDD is, and shares information to help us decide is this is something that we may have experienced in the past, or are experiencing currently. 

What shocked me about is HSDD is a defined medical condition and is the most common form of sexual dysfunction in women. While it’s been been recognized in medical communities for nearly 1/2 a century, women have never been given the same rights as men. Society has reinforced this ideal making female sexual dysfunction taboo or, worse, trivial.

Breaking The Bedroom Silence

As someone who was sure that I wasn’t doing enough when it came to intimacy with my husband, learning about HSDD has been refreshing. 1 in 10 women experience Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, so this is a topic should be discussing more in our friend circles. Be sure to visit the Right To Desire website to learn more, because we going to have some open and honest conversations about this over the next few weeks.

If this is something you’ve struggled with as a wife, and you’re willing to talk with me about it, please let me know in the comments below. I look forward to chatting with you about this.

About Amiyrah

My name is Amiyrah and I'm an an African American fashion & lifestyle blogger based in Ohio.

Plan Your Year Now!


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  1. 1.17.19
    TLB said:

    OMG. It has a name?! Wow. I’ve been reading books, trying to change thought patterns, you name it. It’s very frustrating for the hubs. I mean, I want to want to, but man it’s hard sometimes…and dealing with endometriosis didn’t help.

    • 1.17.19
      Amiyrah said:

      I said the same thing. To know that it not only has a name, but it’s been know in the medical circles for 30 years simultaneously excited and saddened me. The website is so helpful in understanding all of this. I’m so glad we have that resource!

  2. 1.20.19
    Kandel Berry said:

    Thank you for addressing this issue. This is my 2nd marriageand ive now been married for 9 yrs. For the 1st 1 1/2 yr, intimacy was not a struggle for me. But somewhere after that time frame, it has become more than a “chore” for me. It was the same way in my 1st marriage years ago. I just don’t have a desire for sex. When I’m working, I’ll make up my mind that this is going to be the night. Then when I get home, everything changes and I don’t even want to be touched. What’s wrong with me?

    • 1.22.19
      Amiyrah said:

      Hi Kandel. There is NOTHING wrong with you, friend. I’m so glad we can have this conversation. We shouldn’t feel alone when it comes to this, and please know you are always welcome to email me if you need someone to talk to. Also, please do check out the website I linked in the post. It has been so helpful for me, and many of us who thought that something was wrong with us as wives. Let me know what you think about the site.

  3. 1.30.19
    Tina said:

    Thank you for starting this brave conversation. Many of us women can benefit from it!

    • 1.31.19
      Amiyrah said:

      It’s my pleasure, Tina! I hope the quiz on the website was helpful for you.

  4. 1.13.23
    G said:

    Hi Amiyrah,
    I’m coming from the other side as a spouse. I was curious, what if anything would you have wanted to see or hear from your husband while you were struggling with HSDD? It might come as a shock, or it might not since it sounds like this isn’t talked about much, but there aren’t a lot of resources out there showing caring spouses how to encourage their spouse with HSDD. I’m just a husband who has woken up to the fact that though there are things I need to own in our intimacy journey, a good portion, or maybe even a majority of the portion of everything going on might have nothing to do with me, and all I want to do is encourage my spouse and ensure she doesn’t feel pressure or shame for going through something like this.